I wish they made helmets for livers.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
