I'm sorry my penis didn't work
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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