I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
