You can't motorboat a personality
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
