What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize