I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
