At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
