I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
