At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
