If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize