I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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