I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize