Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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