i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
someone owes me an orgasm
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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