hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just pee around me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
