Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
