Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
