God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
