I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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