I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
