Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
