seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
