I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
