I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
