My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
