I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
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