thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
