I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
