Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
