good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize