She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
