I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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