Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
