i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
