im about as happy as oj after his trial
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
