I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
