Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
