It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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