I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
where are you?
Hypothermia
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
