I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
