if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
