What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
