the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We had to coat check the pizza.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
