so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
