Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
