I am puke
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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