apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
