can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize