I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
