if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
someone owes me an orgasm
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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