3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
