My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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