it hurts more in the daytime
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
