tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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