Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
