just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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