Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
