She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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