it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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