My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
