i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
