If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
