I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
