Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
