when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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