The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
