i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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