so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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