i just made my gag reflex go away.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I touched a dick in church today
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
