I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
