Where is the hickey?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
