I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
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