dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize