Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
