I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize